On the day when this newsletter should have dropped, I instead made a vague-post on Instagram saying I was too sad to write one. It understandably drew concern that there must be rough things going on in my life, but I actually had a fine week. I played a lot of Expedition 33, which is easily one of my favorite video games of all time; it’s NFL playoff season, which I love, and the games were (mostly) fun and competitive; and I had a good Monday morning hike. We have plenty to eat, have fun things to look forward to, everyone is healthy and safe. I played Dungeons and Dragons for the first time and it was fun!
I mean, there are things to be bummed about. My bike has needed repairs and my attempts have been mostly failures, which is stressful because that’s how I get to work. The outside news is rough, and it has been rough, and I think there is something to be said for the demoralizing grind of seeing daily horrors being inflicted on regular people who are just trying to go to work and feed their families. It takes a toll that even a 36-hour separation from the news cycles cannot heal, especially knowing that people are locked in their homes in fear and perhaps hunger even on the now-hallowed Log Cabin Sunday. I imagine there are people out there who celebrate this, or think it will be ultimately worth whatever we lose in favor of the goals of this administration; but I don’t think a lot of them are reading this.
I keep hoping that there will be something to shake me out of the funk. Usually a good hike will turn around even the roughest periods. And if not, the nap afterwards definitely will. Instead I just felt like I couldn’t fully wake up from it and slept poorly that night. All week I’ve looked forward to pottery class and then when pottery class happened yesterday I had a miserable throwing day. We bought tickets to go to Europe! What an amazing privilege that is, but it is also triggering anxiety dreams. Like with my bike, all of the tools that usually work aren’t.
The best I can come up with is that it’s January. Usually the long nights and short days are remedied at least partially by wintry wonders. But this year my state has the lowest amount of snow in recorded history. Our air quality is the equivalent of smoking two cigarettes a day (without the fun of looking cool or getting a little pick-me-up).
Out of curiosity I looked up what I was talking about this time last year, and here is what I said then:
“I had a little log cabin sunday hiccup this week. I didn’t break any rules; the phone stayed on my nightstand the whole day. But I did mess up. For reasons that nobody understands The Deseret News has been showing up at our house twice a week for free addressed to my late father-in-law. This coincided almost exactly with log cabin sundays, so I thought it would be kind of cool, then, to just read the paper on a sunday morning and do the crossword like I used to.
It was not cool. I got so frustrated by just thumbing through the first few headlines that I threw it across the room. This is not log cabin Sunday energy. I sat to try to do the crossword but found that my hands were shaking. Now, folks, I read the news. I read some of it every day. And what I try to read is primary reporting by reputable news sources in the “newspaper article” format. It’s not that I’m hiding from it. It’s that I wanted one flippin day when I didn’t have to descend into a fear spiral.
Before that I was having a great time. Did the week’s meal planning while I listened to Heartbreak City by The Cars. Read a lovely book of poetry by Natalie Diaz while listening to a spanish guitar record. Kristin said it sounds like the soundtrack to a Super Mario Brothers game, or maybe a market scene in a Super Nintendo RPG. Once she says it I can’t unhear it.
The best I can come up with is that I keep some armor on during most days to weather upsetting headlines. I know what I’m signing up for and am steeled for it. But yesterday I had let it down so every little arrow hit.”
Reading about this freak out was actually at least mildly comforting. I got through it then and can now, too. It’s a lack of sunlight, cold temperatures, and chemistry. The news is bad, yes, but I usually can figure out a way to contextualize and do something about it. I realized when I got home from pottery class that the reason I was failing at throwing was that I was trying new things. That’s not something to be sad about, it’s progress. Progress, in the moment, sometimes feels like sucking.
A lot of the things stressing me out are because of stretching and trying new things. I’ve never been a travel guy, and it always gives me wild anxiety. But I’m going to Poland! Walking into a room full of strangers and saying “can I play a game with you?” is way outside of my comfort zone. I also have never smoked a cigarette before so our air quality is giving me new and exciting experiences.
I still feel crappy while writing this, but maybe a little better. If you reached out to cheer me up, I appreciate it. I may not have responded for the same reasons this post is a day late, but I am grateful to have people who are rooting for me.
I only listened to two albums this weekend:
Audioslave, Out of Exile
Kate Bush, Hounds of Love
We watched Twister, which was a first for me though I’d seen lots of it because it was at the movie theater when I worked there. It was good and the effects hold up surprisingly well.
I’m reading a bunch of comic books and Wildfire Days, by Kelley Ramsey
OK peace. Hopefully this week is better somehow, especially if you’re out in the cold fighting ICE, who are bad. May your toes be warm and your community provide delicious soup.